Musical Thoughts - learning in a group situation

The group photo of my Guru and his shishyas made the point starkly clear.  I was the only grey haired disciple in the group of 30, sitting next to my Guru whose hair was still a youthful black.  All his other shishyas were in their teens and twenties.  My wife tartly observed : "People will wonder who is the Guru in the photo".

I decided to formally learn music under a guru only when I crossed 50.  For me it was a journey of passion - to improve my harmoium playing skills - something I should have done decades ago - but which a peripatetic career prevented me from doing.

My Guru conducts his classes in the form of groups.  As I am based in Bangalore (and he in Mumbai) the classes are conducted over zoom calls with 5-7 other shishyas joining in.  Most of the other shishyas are probably younger than my own children.

Studying in a group has thrown up some unique challenges to me.   The competitive nature of the schooling and college systems (and then later in my career) developed in me a high sense of "survival of the fittest" where I had to remain at the top of my cohort to feel relevant. And this was an attitude that had developed over almost 50 years - from my childhood and then on to my corporate career.

It was but natural that I carried with me this ingrained nature into my learning of music - put into a group situation it was natural that I will bench-mark myself against my peer group, and would like to at least keep pace with the group - if not be the quickest learner.

Here I ran into one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced.  Being part of a group that had very young and talented peers I simply could not keep pace with the group. My grasping powers for new learning in music was poor relative to the others, and I was over-awed by the fact that what seemed so easy to the others was so tough to me.  I started being tense whenever I was in the group - and that further affected my ability to understand and grasp what was happening in the class. Very often I missed out on the nuances - and hence could not connect the threads.  I started experiencing pre-class jitters and panic feelings.

It is easy for someone to say that I should accept the fact that my learning ability is different from that of the others and relax in class by coming to terms with it.  But 50 years of approaching life in a particular way cannot be changed easily.  

And for me - learning music was a passion project - something I was doing purely for fun.  It was something I was doing to get away from the hyper-competitive world I had lived in so far - but the format of a group situation made me feel inhibited and self-conscious.  I started feeling that I was back into a situation where I had to show that I was intelligent and able to keep pace with the group.  But the fact was it was evident to everyone in the group I was struggling - and that for me meant that I was not only not enjoying the process - but also my ability to absorb learning was getting adversely impacted.

So what held me back?  Age is definitely a factor - as we age the speed with which we are able to grasp technical aspects in NEW fields slows down.  The other aspect is that my basic grounding in the technical aspects such as rhythm was poor - unlike many others in the group I had not had any formal training or learnings in those areas - and the absence of a strong foundation was certainly a problem in learning new aspects.

I also realised that certain technical aspects - such as finger movements on the keys - I understood only when I was sitting face-to-face with my Guru rather than over Zoom.  Many of these subtle things I was practising the wrong way - and hence the efforts I was putting in was not paying off in terms of results - leading to frustration.

As of now I don't see any solution.  I would have loved to have one-to-one sessions with my Guru - and if not - at least face-to-face sessions (rather than zoom calls).  Both these options are not possible currently.  So the only option as of now is to pursue hybrid solutions -such as a combination of zoom classes with a few face-to-face sessions.

And being less inhibited in a group situation? May be in class where I was with peers at similar levels of expertise and age I would have been able to adapt and get comfortable.  But this is a situation where the group comprises people not just younger but at different (higher) talent levels.  I will try but it is likely to remain a story where I continue to struggle to keep pace.

Preparing For The Golden Years

I wanted to call it "Retirement" or "Old Age" - but then decided to stick to "Golden Years" as that is indeed how it should be - the best period of one's life.

Unfortunately, recently I came across a few people who were thoroughly disillusioned with their Golden period. I did not know what went wrong - so I donned my Market Researcher's hat and spoke to a sample of "happy" and "not-so-happy" people currently in their Golden Age.

I am summarising below some of the common aspects that came up during the discussions.  It broadly fell into 5 broad buckets - listed below in descending order of importance.

1.    Health : Most said that this is the most important aspect to being happy.  Lack of good health is a killer of happiness. Sometimes life throws us unpleasant surprises - and a perfectly healthy person might find that he/she has a disease soon after he enters his "golden age".  This is not just a reflection of the life one has led (highly stressful/unhealthy diet/lack of exercise) - but also a function of God's Will - some are blessed with it, and some are not.  We just need to be grateful and thankful if we are blessed with good health - and take care to preserve this good health as long as possible.

2.    Independence :  By this they don't just mean being physically healthy enough to "literally"  move around on their own feet - but also being able to stand on their own feet financially.    Also having enough funds to manage their expenses - and being able to afford some indulgences such as travel without having to depend on anyone.  This, they admitted, requires careful planning from a young age.

3.    Staying in one's own house : Surprisingly this came up frequently - that ideally one (along with his/her partner) should stay in their own house where they are absolute Lord and Master.   A small home - compact and easily manageable.  Staying in your own home also encourages you to be useful around the home and undertake daily chores such as shopping for vegetables, cooking or cleaning.  If the home is in a housing complex or colony it is an added advantage - as one can get companionship by making friends with people of similar wave-length.

4.    Managing one's own expectations : One needs to prepare oneself to how society will treat you once you stop being "productive".  Have realistic expectations from one's near-and-dear ones such as children.  If your children look after you in your golden period then consider yourself blessed.  Otherwise cheerfully bless them and let them lead their own lives without imposing yourself on them. 

5.    Being Mentally & Socially Engaged : It is a fact that Loneliness, Idleness and the feeling of being "useless" are major deal-breakers of one's golden period.  Having your life partner with you - and some good friends - during your golden period is a blessing.  It is also important to have activities and pursuits that keep you mentally and socially engaged - and active hobbies such as travel, arts (music etc), Social Service, Writing, teaching, Investing in the stock markets etc will ensure that one is mentally and socially engaged. 

Finally I also realised as I talked to these people that the greatest differentiator between the "happy" and the "sad" ones is their own mental disposition.  There are some who despite enjoying all the aspects mentioned above are always sad - these are the people who despite being blessed with everything still only look at life through the rear-view mirror with bitterness and regret.    

And then there are the people I really admire - these are the ones who have decided that they will continue to be happy regardless of any eventuality. These people I noticed are always happy - and they bounce back quickly into happiness despite going through some major set-backs or health problems. 

So now I am left with a lot of unanswered questions - if  a person is born with an ingrained negative disposition is there any hope for him to have an enjoyable and happy golden period?  Does life's experiences shape such dispositions?  Can a negative disposition be cured through counselling?  Is it the fear of being unhappy that is forcing many to post-pone entering their golden period early enough?  Does anyone have answers?

Ultimately as one Wise person told me "We need to accept that - despite all the preparations we do - we have very little control over what surprises life will throw at us - especially during our golden period.  We just need to be more accepting and flexible to take these googlies & curve-balls in our stride - and continue to delight in life's small pleasures. And yes, preparations do certainly help".

Why I am destined to be a great singer

My music guru is not happy with the amount of time I spend doing riyaaz (music practice).  "You should put in extra effort and time into doing your riyaaz" he told me.

"Manifestation.  Let me imagine myself as a great singer - then may be I will actually become one" I said to myself and started my riyaaz session today.

I thought I had an especially resonant timbre to my voice today - so opening my mouth wide (like I see the great singers do) I launched into an extended sustaining on the base "Sa" note.

As I was admiring my own resonant voice a mosquito suddenly manifested. This was just about the time I had reached the end of the long sustain on the note and had to draw a deep breath again.  

I don't know how it happened - but the mosquito got drawn into my mouth when I was drawing my deep inward breath. I could feel it enter my throat.

I coughed violently wanting to expel it.  But nothing came out.  I could still feel it stuck in my throat.

I drank a lot of water and ate some biscuits hoping it would descend into my stomach.

I think it is still stuck in my throat as there definitely is a buzz in my voice now when I sing.