The group photo of my Guru and his shishyas made the point starkly clear. I was the only grey haired disciple in the group of 30, sitting next to my Guru whose hair was still a youthful black. All his other shishyas were in their teens and twenties. My wife tartly observed : "People will wonder who is the Guru in the photo".
I decided to formally learn music under a guru only when I crossed 50. For me it was a journey of passion - to improve my harmoium playing skills - something I should have done decades ago - but which a peripatetic career prevented me from doing.
My Guru conducts his classes in the form of groups. As I am based in Bangalore (and he in Mumbai) the classes are conducted over zoom calls with 5-7 other shishyas joining in. Most of the other shishyas are probably younger than my own children.
Studying in a group has thrown up some unique challenges to me. The competitive nature of the schooling and college systems (and then later in my career) developed in me a high sense of "survival of the fittest" where I had to remain at the top of my cohort to feel relevant. And this was an attitude that had developed over almost 50 years - from my childhood and then on to my corporate career.
It was but natural that I carried with me this ingrained nature into my learning of music - put into a group situation it was natural that I will bench-mark myself against my peer group, and would like to at least keep pace with the group - if not be the quickest learner.
Here I ran into one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced. Being part of a group that had very young and talented peers I simply could not keep pace with the group. My grasping powers for new learning in music was poor relative to the others, and I was over-awed by the fact that what seemed so easy to the others was so tough to me. I started being tense whenever I was in the group - and that further affected my ability to understand and grasp what was happening in the class. Very often I missed out on the nuances - and hence could not connect the threads. I started experiencing pre-class jitters and panic feelings.
It is easy for someone to say that I should accept the fact that my learning ability is different from that of the others and relax in class by coming to terms with it. But 50 years of approaching life in a particular way cannot be changed easily.
And for me - learning music was a passion project - something I was doing purely for fun. It was something I was doing to get away from the hyper-competitive world I had lived in so far - but the format of a group situation made me feel inhibited and self-conscious. I started feeling that I was back into a situation where I had to show that I was intelligent and able to keep pace with the group. But the fact was it was evident to everyone in the group I was struggling - and that for me meant that I was not only not enjoying the process - but also my ability to absorb learning was getting adversely impacted.
So what held me back? Age is definitely a factor - as we age the speed with which we are able to grasp technical aspects in NEW fields slows down. The other aspect is that my basic grounding in the technical aspects such as rhythm was poor - unlike many others in the group I had not had any formal training or learnings in those areas - and the absence of a strong foundation was certainly a problem in learning new aspects.
I also realised that certain technical aspects - such as finger movements on the keys - I understood only when I was sitting face-to-face with my Guru rather than over Zoom. Many of these subtle things I was practising the wrong way - and hence the efforts I was putting in was not paying off in terms of results - leading to frustration.
As of now I don't see any solution. I would have loved to have one-to-one sessions with my Guru - and if not - at least face-to-face sessions (rather than zoom calls). Both these options are not possible currently. So the only option as of now is to pursue hybrid solutions -such as a combination of zoom classes with a few face-to-face sessions.
And being less inhibited in a group situation? May be in class where I was with peers at similar levels of expertise and age I would have been able to adapt and get comfortable. But this is a situation where the group comprises people not just younger but at different (higher) talent levels. I will try but it is likely to remain a story where I continue to struggle to keep pace.
