The Year I Went Bananas

This year has ended with me going bananas.

Puzzled?

Well there I was loitering around in the Ernakulam temple for the one thing that I find interesting - which is the prasad that the priest distributes at the end of the aarti.  Today the priest was distributing bananas, and fighting my way through the crowd I managed to get hold of one.    

Without any further ado, I peeled off the banana skin and started eating the banana the only way I know to eat one - by putting it into my mouth.

And then suddenly I hear a voice saying "Hey" in my ear. It was the kind of "hey" that I used to dread hearing when I was trying to slink into the school 10 minutes late.

I turned around, and found it emanated from an officious looking chap who was looking at my banana in distaste.

Perfectly good banana if you ask me - and that too given to me by the temple priest.  Of course there are some who don't like bananas, but I am not one of them - so I continued to munch into my banana.

"Hey" he said again - and I noticed that apart from looking irritated he was also vigorously scratching his b*m. (I don't want to spell it out - but the word rhymes with Rum)

"Yes?" I said in a guarded manner.  I do like my banana even if there are some strong anti-banana lobbies around with itchy tendencies.

"You are not supposed to eat a banana that way in the temple" he said.

"Sorry, I can eat a banana only if the skin is peeled off" I told him.  Some people had told me that my face resembles a horse's - but this is the first time somebody had actually mistaken me for a four legged creature.

My attempt at humour completely fell flat with him. He looked at me sternly and said "According to the etiquette in this temple you are not supposed to take bites of the banana.  You have to use your hand to break it into pieces and then put the piece into the mouth".

I looked at his hand which was still scratching his b*m and told him "I like to eat a banana without my hands touching it.  It is more hygienic".

"You can eat it in whatever manner you want outside the temple - but in the temple you only eat it the way I told you" he said and then with a satisfied look marched away still scratching his b*m.

"Hey, what does the temple etiquette say about scratching one's b*m?" I said.  The chap went marching away as if he did not hear me.

So here is to all banana lovers .......May you have a glorious 2017 in which you eat as many bananas in whichever manner you prefer .......

Elevated Conversations

I parked my car in the office parking lot and got out.  It was a rainy humid morning and my glasses immediately thickly fogged over, so I removed them and made my way to the elevator.

From the distance I could make out that a woman dressed in a red sari was approaching the elevator. Without my glasses I could not make out her face.  All I could make out was that she had a beautiful figure, and the glint from her teeth indicated she is smiling - but I could not make out whether she was smiling at me or at someone else.

I did not want to be thought to be staring so I quickly averted my gaze.

She came and stood next to me, and said :"I smiled at you, and you did not smile back"

I turned my head - and now recognised her as a senior colleague who was visiting from our Delhi office. She was probably my age - in her late forties - but maintained herself very well.

This was embarrassing. As we both got into the elevator I said : "I did not have my glasses so could not see your face clearly".

And then to my acute embarrassment I heard myself saying: "I was trying to see whether you are someone I know - but without my glasses all I could see was a beautiful figure in red".

She now had a very amused expression on her face. So to hide my embarrassment I heard myself blabbering: "I did not want to look too closely and then be thought of as ogling at unknown women"

Oh oh that did not help either.

There was silence in the elevator, and I was busy kicking myself for saying the wrong things.  I wondered what terrible impressions she has formed of me.

I said : "I mean to say, people at my age should be careful and not smile at unknown women"

She smiled and as we got out of the lift she said :"Only we think we are still young. The fact is that if I or you smile at an unknown person, people will understand and interpret it only as a characteristic of old age.  So please go ahead and smile at anybody - we now have the licence" she said with a twinkle in her eye.

A VPP (Very Puzzled Pigeon)

I say old chap, I am in a bit of soup - I did not know I was of Pakistani nationality.

On why Kedar grows a beard

So I am Kedar, and I am in a Market Research agency.  Yesterday I called a meeting with my team mates and with my boss to discuss something that really upset me.

My boss Rahul an old fogey, immediately asked me why I had called for a meeting.

So I explained : "So you see, last week I had gone to observe a group discussion that our agency was conducting among men who had recently bought baby diapers.  The group discussion was happening on the 2nd floor in a hotel room, and I had gone down to buy pan-beeda when I was approached by an interviewer who wanted to know whether I will be interested in attending the group discussion. He told me that all I had to do was to just sit there and nod my head, and I will get a good gift at the end of the 2 hour discussion.  Imagine an interviewer from my own agency trying to recruit me to attend my own group discussion".

I could see a lot of sympathetic nods in the room - apparently my other colleagues too have experienced it.

So I continued : "And what was especially embarrassing was that even my client was approached in the lobby by another interviewer and cajoled into attending the group on baby diapers.  My client was not even married and hence got really upset and gave me a firing of my life."

The old fogey Rahul said :"Does this happen in all groups?".  Trust my boss to come up with highly irrelevant questions.

So I said: "It always happens.  Why, even in female groups......."

Before I could complete my sentence, the old fogey says "What, you get recruited to attend even female groups?".

That old fogey needs to be definitely committed to a lunatic asylum.

Before I could retort, the old fogey says : "Ah, that explains why you have recently started growing a beard, Kedar".

I very much doubt the future of group discussions if this industry has guys like this boss.

Laundry Maneuvers

I opened our front door and stepped out into the passage to pick up my shoes from the shoe rack.   As I stepped out I bumped into the laundry chap trying to edge past me into my apartment.

Now, the laundry chap was one of those shifty "half-nut"characters employed by the laundry shop downstairs to collect and deliver laundry.  Instead of waiting at the door, this chap has the habit of entering our living room - even when my wife is alone.  Since he pretended not to understand spoken language, we switched to the more overt tactic of keeping the door shut while we go inside to fetch the laundry, or one of us will physically block the entrance so that he does not ease himself into the house.

And here he was today, again trying to sneak past me into the living room without so much as a "Good Morning, may I.......?"

Through an adroit maneuver, I managed to regain the front door before he could enter.  I promptly shut the door just as he was about to step inside, and informed my wife that the laundry chap is waiting outside the door.

"Phoo .....and as usual he was trying to enter the apartment" she said.

She brought out the laundry bundle from our bedroom, opened the front door and handed over the laundry bundle to the chap outside.  She told him there are 8 items in the bundle for ironing and then shut the door.

After a minute, the door bell rings.  She opens the door and looks at the chap standing outside with the laundry bundle which she had just handed over.

She looks at him for a few seconds, and then says "Oh you!" in a very embarrassed manner.

And then she turns to me and says to me "Did you not realise this is NOT the laundry man?  This is the person I hired yesterday to clean the house".

I gave a sheepish apologetic smile to the confused looking chap entering the house.  Yes, on closer scrutiny this guy indeed was a different guy, though there was a resemblance to the laundry chap.

"Do you have a brother...?" I started to say, but a glare from my wife shut me up.

"My husband always makes silly mistakes of this kind" she says as way of explanation to the cleaner.

"Well, you handed over the laundry to him..." was the sharp rejoinder that came to my tongue, but like all great Generals I decided to hold my tongue, and gave another sheepish smile to the cleaner chap.

When Friends Write Books

A friend of mine - who I respect a lot for his intellect - recently published a book.  The description of the book on Amazon indicated that the subject is quite close to my interest - and I therefore decided to buy it through my Kindle.

Unfortunately the book turned out to be a total let-down.  The only interesting part of this book was the preface that was extremely lucidly written, and had some original thoughts and view-points from the author.  However, the rest of the book appeared to read like a text book - very dry and without a point of view (much of it is available on Wikipedia anyway).  The expectations aroused on reading the preface was let down by the rest of the book. After a brief struggle attempting to make sense of the first few chapters I gave up the battle.

The fact is, I had wanted this friend's book to succeed (and I still hope it will succeed - as it is quite possible that my tastes and intellect simply do not match).  I was even planning to write a review about this book on Amazon - as reviews usually help.  But after reading the book I decided not to : if I am being honest, it will not help either the book or our friendship.

Which brings me to the toughest question. What should I do next?  This is the first book in the series - there are more to follow.  It is quite possible that without feedback, he will repeat the same approach for the rest of the books in the series.  Should I honestly give my feedback to my friend on his book?The reason why I hesitate is that I know for a fact that few artistes (and authors) can take criticism.

Right now, I would like to believe I may be an exception - that other readers will in fact love the approach he has taken in his book, and that the series will end up as a mega-hit.  If that does happen, I will be the happiest person.

Thathasthu (Or, May what you say come true)

It was a heavy lunch and I and my colleague squeezed into the already over-crowded lift to go to our 7th floor office.

I hoped that the "over-loaded" alarm in the elevator will not go off.  Fortunately it did not, and to make small conversation I looked at my team mate and said loudly so that everyone in the lift could hear : "Have you ever used the stairs to climb up 7 floors?".  I basically wanted to start an interesting conversation on why young people (i.e. all the others in the lift) should use the stairs, rather than squeeze into crowded elevators.

Nobody reacted.  Everybody in the lift had a most disinterested expression.  It was clear that climbing stairs was not an interesting topic for discussion.

The lift reached the 2nd floor and then suddenly stopped.  A couple of people got off thinking it was because the lift was over-loaded.  But no luck - it refused to go up any further.  It was clear that there was something wrong with the lift, and the only option now is the stairs.

"Thathasthu - you got your wish to make us climb the stairs" said a morose looking guy to me. Poor chap, he had to get to the 10th floor.

This morose guy is unlikely to ever enter a lift if he sees me in it. 

Low Tide at Bordi Beach

We went recently to Bordi beach which is about 160 km from Mumbai, and close to the Gujarat border.  Bordi beach is a very long beach. The good thing about it is that not many people know about it - and hence ideal for people like me who love desolate beaches.

We visited this magnificent beach three times, and we had 3 different experiences.

Visit 1 : The Menacing Experience 

The first visit was at night - at about 8 pm.  There was no moon and we could only see the white sand of the beach.  However, beyond the beach there was pitch darkness - in fact a blackness that almost was frightening as there was no glistening of star light off the water, nor was there any sound of waves.  We went to the edge and tried to figure out what lay beyond but it was too dark.  We put on the torch and examined what lay beyond.  It looked like the sea bed - dark, wet and sticky.  We walked a few minutes on it hoping that we will come across the sea - but the sticky sea bed seemed to stretch on and on.  In the distance we could now hear faintly the sound of waves.  It was a menacing feeling in the darkness. We returned to the safety of the white beach as the darkness and the mystery was a bit over-whelming.

Visit 2 : The Mysterious Experience

Our second visit was early next morning to figure out the mystery.  What we found was that there was only a vast expanse of black clayish sand which stretched at least for 3-4 kilometers from the white sands of the beach.  It was as if there is no sea. About a kilometer from the beach were a couple of stranded boats let high and dry on the muddy sea bed.  How they got there we had no clue.

We walked on the sea bed towards the boats picking our way carefully through the slush.

We asked a fisherman the mystery behind the stranded boats and were told that it was currently low tide and the sea had retreated a few kilometers.

I grew up in Fort Kochi which also has a magnificent beach - but I never saw such an effect in Fort Kochi beach probably because the ocean floor is deep due to dredging by the nearby port - and hence the effect of the tide is not visible.

But in Bordi the effect of tide is highly visible because of the shallow nature of the sea bed.

Visit 3 : The Reassuring Experience

We returned to the beach after breakfast at about 11 am and found that it was high tide, and the beach looked "normal" like any other beach now.  It was hard to believe that just a couple of hours ago we could have walked on the sea bed for 3-4 kilometers away from the sea shore.

The waves glistened in the bright sunshine and the stranded boats were no longer to be seen - apparently gone out fishing.  And we relaxed in the familiar sight of a "normal" beach.

Faster is Better?

My harmonium teacher makes me practice certain exercises over and over again.  He constantly wants me to increase my speed.

Initially, I wondered why - after all I never play the harmonium at those high speeds in actual life. And I am a person who believes that slow is beautiful - especially when it comes to music.

Later on I realised why it is necessary to be fast at a craft or skill.  The whole purpose of training for any skill is to equip the person to operate in a System 1 mode (i.e. Reflexive) where the person does not need to think while performing -but yet performs beautifully and flawlessly (without mistakes). Thinking requires time, and is therefore inefficient.  Moreover in music or in sports, there is not much time to analyse, think and then react - it is therefore important to develop spontaneity.

So now I understand why I need to be able to play the harmonium really fast - it goes beyond the mere thrill of speed.  If I can play it flawlessly at really fast speeds, then I will be even more creative and spontaneous when I play it slow.

The Open Window

Midway through the function my wife suddenly asks me "I hope you closed the Pooja room windows before we left home?".

I carefully observed her tone of voice, and therefore said :"Of course, I closed the windows".

She looked at me a little doubtfully as if saying "this guy is obviously fibbing".  But she kept quiet as there were several bored people in the room eagerly waiting for any entertainment.

In the car on the way back to home, my wife asks me "Did you really shut the windows?"

"If I had told you any response other than Yes, our whole evening would have got ruined - so I said Yes.  So at least we could enjoy the evening." I told her.

"You mean the Pooja room window is open?" suddenly spoke my normally somnolent son from the back-seat of the car.  "I am not sleeping in my bedroom tonight - last time dad left the pooja room window open, a rat had entered through the window and camped in my bedroom" he said.

"Not one, but two rats" added my wife.

"Be thankful that it was only rats - and not monkeys" I said showing my legendary sense of humour.

My wife frowned : "I had told you several times......"

"And I am not sleeping in my bedroom tonight. I am sleeping in your bedroom, and on the cot" my son said.

"I hope you will find it easy to bring along your cot into our bedroom" I said.

My sparkling sense of humour was ignored.

"And the mosquitoes - how many of them would have entered the house, I wonder" my wife said.

"The sales for the mosquito liquidator are a bit down for my favourite client - so I am trying to help them" I said.  I of course said it in a very low voice so that my wife does not hear it.

We reached home, and the wife and son went to the pooja room to check how many rats, monkeys, and mosquitoes had entered through the open window.  I stood in the hallway trying to appear cool and relaxed.

There was silence.  And then my wife appears and says "The windows of the pooja room were shut. So were you trying to pull our leg when you said you did not close the windows?"

My son looked a bit disappointed :"So that means I will have to sleep in my own bedroom".

My wife again turned around and said beseechingly :"Tell me truthfully, you did shut the windows, did you not?"

I let my eyes wander over the various pictures of the Gods in the pooja room and then said "No, I did not". 

The Bare-foot Girl

The Dahisar railway platform was deserted on the Sunday afternoon.  The next train was due only 20 minutes later, so I whiled away my time observing the shoe polisher.

He would be in his fifties.  He sat on the platform overlooking the pedestrian over-bridge. Because he was sitting on the floor his world view was ground level - that of numerous feet walking around on the platform. He kept scanning the sea of feet that passed by him, and whenever he spotted a pair of feet that wore leather shoes, his eyes would brighten up, and he would shout "Shoe Polish" and look up at the face of the owner of the feet.

As I was observing him, his eyes suddenly took on a very puzzled expression.  I followed his eyes to figure out what had caused this puzzlement.

He was looking at what is nowadays a rarity : the bare feet of a girl not wearing any footwear.  He looked up to see her dress and face. She was probably in her early twenties smartly dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, and carrying a nice stylish hand-bag.  She seemed to be middle class - so certainly able to afford buying footwear.  So why was she bare-foot?  And what was especially puzzling was that she seemed very comfortable walking around on the railway platform in her bare feet.

And then the shoe polisher noticed that the bare feet was walking towards him. He looked up, puzzled. She asked him with a sweet voice when was the next train to Churchgate due.  He said 10 minutes.  

He wanted to ask her a question, but then he decided to keep quiet.  I could see that he was really struggling with the mystery as to : 

- was she barefoot because her shoes broke and she had to discard it?  But why then did she not buy another pair outside the station (or repaired her broken ones)?

- or probably, her shoes indeed broke and she does not have the money to buy a new pair?  But then she should have some money in her nice stylish hand-bag that she carried?

- or maybe she is absent minded - and has walked out of her house forgetting that she has not worn shoes?

- or maybe she has a fetish for walking bare-foot - maybe she realises that it makes her look especially attractive not wearing any footwear?

10 minutes later as the train approached the platform, the girl reached out into her hand-bag, took out a plastic envelope in which was packed a pair of neat black leather shoes.  She put on the shoes, and then boarded the train.

The shoe polisher now had an even more confused look.  He kept staring at the compartment into which the girl had got into as the train left the station.  

He then shrugged his shoulders and got back to scanning feet - some mysteries in life will remain mysteries.  

Personal Excellence through Bhagavad Gita

Summary of talk given by Swami Sukhabodhananda on "Personal Excellence Through Bhagavad Gita" on 27th/28th Feb, 2016

Bhagavad Gita is the "book of life" - unfortunately rarely do people open it.  It has to be read not for its literal meaning but also need to understand the feelings, context, and the space (Chidambara) of what is said.

Like Punctuation in language, the Gita tells us where to place emphasis in life.  Where you place the emphasis is the most important aspect of life - and determines whether you are in a constant Worry mode (-ve) or in a constant Wisdom mode (+ve).  This is determined by whether we are in a constant Begging mode (-ve) or Giving mode (+ve).

Difficulty will be there is every life.  But it is up to us whether or not we chose to think that Difficulty = Suffering.  Don't PREPARE to live life; instead learn to live life.  Preparation does not have an end.

Be open to any experience - including failure - as every experience makes us, and the truth of who we actually are is revealed.

The wisdom of the Gita can be summarised through the Navagunas:  These are the individual's needs for .....

1. Security : will we achieve this in a correct manner (Dharmic) or incorrect manner?  On this depends whether we will indeed get the peace of security (fat fiance & diamond ring tale)
2. Insecurity : need for adventure and thrill (watch movie Mount Everest - was climbing it worth it?)

3. Connect to People - understanding life through relationships
4. Freedom, space for oneself

5. Contribute to people
6. Contentment

7. Vertical growth
8. Horizontal growth

Only when there is a balance between the polarities described above, will there be the 9th guna - Grace.

We should search for non-dependency.  Often we seek outside objects (either material objects, or other people) to complete ourselves, and fill in the void within us.

What we need to do?  4 aspects:

a. Prerana (first self motivate, and then try to motivate/inspire others)
b. Siksha (learning through observing - which helps develop acumen and alacrity)
c.  Lakshya (goal setting)
d. Dakshaha (living in the moment/ enjoying every moment - rather than worrying about past or future)

Mind only promises - does not deliver.  Hence we need to focus on the moment. (story of Geeth Sethi's Thai competitor who lost it in the finals)

Success alone does not bring about happiness - there needs to be a feeling of fulfillment.

Seeing the macro in the micro - that is the genuine Bhaktha quality (seeing the tree when he sees paper)

Thought is the greatest killer of man.  And all the negative thoughts come from our ego.

2 bits on Bitcoin

Summary of talk on "Disruptive Payment Technologies" given by Mr. Ninad Purohit, KPMG, at workshop organised by ISACA Mumbai on 27th Feb, 2016.

Bitcoin is a virtual currency - without a central issuing authority.  It is the most popular of the 669 virtual crypto currencies currently existing.  It was first conceptualised by a person called Satoshi in 2008.  The current value of a bitcoin is USD 147.

It offers absolute anonymity, and uses a peer to peer network (Nodes) to create this currency.

What is a Bitcoin?  It is a chain of transactions - each of which is verified by digital signatures. So if A pays B, then other peer individuals need to ratify that this payment has indeed taken place by "voting".

Unlike a traditional currency like the Rupee which is issued by a central issuring authority, the Bitcoin only exists in cyber space (no physical form exists).  Many people need to vote on a transaction and vote on it, before a bitcoin is created.  This transaction time (to vote) takes about 10 minutes per transaction.

People participating in validating the transaction (i.e. voting) have to solve a series of puzzles to authenticate it.  In return for their efforts, they get "brownie" points in terms of bitcoin.  So the process of creating bitcoins results in more bitcoins being created.

Each block of transaction get attached to a previous block of transations - hence resulting in a block chain.  Hence there is a complete history of the creation of every bitcoin - like a giant open ledger accessible to all - but yet protecting privacy as it only keeps track of transactions, and not who owns the bitcoins.

The owners of the bitcoins access their "wallet" containing bitcoins by using a Private key (like a digital password).  The peer group validates that the person owns it by using a Public key.  If a owner loses his Private key (e.g. when formatting his computer drive), he will lose all his bitcoins. Interestingly, if a certain number of bitcoins get lost or deleted, the value of the remaining bitcoins goes up.

The transaction fee earned for generating bitcoins halves every 4 years.  The year 2041 is a significant year as the maximum amount of bitcoins (21 million) will be reached in that year.

Bitcoins are increasingly used to make online payments and is being accepted by an increasing number of online retailers - and the chances of fraud is much lower than that for currency issued by central authorities.

Risk :  The following are the risks or fraud possibilities of bitcoins.

- Double spend : where a owner of bitcoins tries to use the same currency to make payments to 2 different people simultaneously.  When he does that, the person with the longer transaction chain gets the bitcoins, and the other person gets cheated.  Hence only believe in a transaction when the bitcoin actually gets credited into a wallet.

- Hot wallet attack : a malicious attack to steak the private keys of an individual - and hence steal his bitcoins.  To protect their wealth, many individuals stock the bulk of their bitcoin assets in "cold wallets" which are offline.  They take a paper print out of these cold wallets and keep it in an offline safe place such as a bank locker.  One needs to be careful of taking back-ups of hot wallets (online) as restoring the back-up could result in the more recent transactions getting deleted and the owner losing his bitcoins.

Bed Mates

At a corporate conference recently, delegates were put up two to a room.  The person with whom I shared the room was a young, serious looking chap.

We entered our alloted room and realised that it contained only 1 queen sized bed, and we will need to share the bed for the night.

"So we are bed mates for the night, eh?" I observed.

My room mate gave me a very confused wary look. .

"Which side of the bed will you like to sleep on?" I asked him.

"The right side" he replied hesitantly.

"Oh, that is the side that my wife normally sleeps on - but of course this time it is you" I remarked with a smile.

"You can go to sleep first.  I will sleep later" he replied.

At about 2 am I woke up with my heart pounding to the sound of a concrete mixer roaring in my ears. 

About an hour later, the concrete mixer transformed into a couple of fighter planes taking off and then repeatedly bombing the enemy with hundreds of nuclear bombs.

At about 5 am, the fighter planes stopped bombing and mysteriously transformed into a bus which was having a serious starting problem.

At about 6 am, my bed-mate finally stopped snoring, and I could snatch some much needed sleep.

I was woken up half an hour later by the sound of my bed-mate humming a merry tune.  He was already up and about - and was looking really fresh from his good nights sleep.

"Did you sleep well?" I asked my bed-mate trying to make my voice drip with sarcasm.

"Unfortunately I could not sleep a wink - you were snoring too loudly" he replied.

My fantastic School Whatsapp support group

I am part of a hyper-active school alumni Whatsapp group.

One of them mentioned on the group the best way to manage expectations about the wedding anniversary gift.  It goes like this:
*           *           *           *

You ask the wife : "What do you want for our wedding anniversary?"
The Wife replies: "Give me a Ring"

And then you give her a ring from the landline or from a Mobile.

*           *           *           *
I thought it was a good way to manage the upcoming wedding anniversary and tried it on my wife today morning.

The "ringing" sound of the knock I got on the head is still ringing in my ears.

I mentioned to the whatsapp group not to give any more such dangerous suggestions.

They have very helpfully sent me the link to the new help-line set up by the police for victims of domestic violence.

JNU, Valentines, and Siya's Ram

I dread the approaching Valentines day.

"You know my friend M... - her husband has gifted her a new Apple iPhone" said my wife thrusting a facebook photo of her friend triumphantly flaunting her new Valentine's day trophy.

I tried my best to look disinterested, and said "yeah, those things are so cheap in the US".

"Somebody is being cheap here" she countered, which I cleverly pretended not to hear.

"And look at this - my other friend from Dubai has got a jewellery necklace for Valentines" she continued.  "And it looks so much like the necklace that Ram wears in "Siya Ke Ram" serial" she said.

Now I break into a cold sweat whenever Siya Ke Ram is playing on TV - every hero in that serial seems to be weighed down with massive jewellery pieces that will need really strong neck muscles to support - the reason why it is necessary for any hero nowadays to be a weight lifter if he needs a role in a mythology serial.

Everytime a hero wears a new jewellery piece (they seem to have an inexhaustible source of heavy jewellery every night), my wife will go "ooh la la" and look at me accusingly from the corner of her eye.

I had enough of this stress so I decided to start a support group on facebook to fight this dangerous trend which has been started by "Siya Ke Ram".

I decided to call this group Jewellery Neendh Udaaye (Jewellery causes sleeplessness) or JNU for short.  So that my wife does not know about it, I go to a coffee shop, post it on facebook, and then tagged all my friends to support me on this JNU movement.  I wanted to unite all us practical husbands and correct the falsehood spread by all the paid media about the virtues of gold, and unleash a revolution against this hated metal.

I then eagerly awaited the "Likes" and comments to my post.

Comment No:1 was my friend Guru.  He wrote : "this JNU movement is a conspiracy of communists like you to descredit the noble values of Lord Rama, and people like you will go to hell".

Comment No:2 came immediately from Comrade Madan (who claims he is a neutral party) who retorted :"I am getting sick of desh bhakts like you who push up TRP ratings for useless TV serials like Siya Ke Ram through publishing such JNU posts.  You are a chaddi communalist and should be ashamed of yourself". Molotov Madan they call him.

Comment no. 50 was from my wife.  She "likes" and comments on my facebook post :"Do you want dinner today?".

I quickly delete my facebook post with all its comments and head for the nearest jewellery store. You see, while I may not be Sita's Ram, in school I was known as "Survivor Ram".

Kya Shy Hai Hum

The trailer was very good - and I succumbed to the temptation.  "We are going to see the movie "Kya Kool hai hum 3" today" I told my wife.  "And 1st day, 1st show so we can boast about it on Facebook".

My wife gave me THE look - THE look that she has been giving me ever since I quit my job and started operating out of home. "Don't talk nonsense - it is a 3rd grade porn-com movie - and only 3rd rate unemployed people will ever admit to watching it".  She emphasised the word "unemployed" - so I had to deftly steer the conversation in the right direction.

"But it is India's 1st ever porn-com movie.  And the good thing is that the heroine's name Mandana rhymes with yours" I said.  I am an expert at deftly changing the topic.

And then I threw in the Ace : "And don't worry about respectable people seeing us - I have booked tickets in a shady theatre called Chandan far away from our home so that no one will recognise us".

We left for the theatre before our teenage son came back from college. We wanted to avoid any unnecessary dialogue with our son on why he cannot come along with us.

We reached the theatre to find the foyer full of college students who looked younger than our son - in fact none of whom seemed to have completed even 16 years of age.  And they were all in couples - and my wife started a harangue about the corrupting influence of such movies on the kids.

"And what is more - it is so embarrassing that we are the only mature people here - the rest of the audience are basically teenagers" she said.

"No - I spotted someone who looked in the mid-twenties buying a ticket" I assured my wife.

"Yeah - but you will notice he was walking around wearing his helmet so that he will not be recognised" she countered, covering her face with her dupatta so that only her eyes showed.

We finally entered the theatre, and I eagerly braced myself for watching some sensational stuff.

And then I learnt something important.  Trailers do not represent a movie.  In fact trailers of so called "porncom" movies have nothing at all to do with the movie.

All the titillation I had seen in the movie trailer, ended in the trailer.

In short, there was no "interesting" scenes, and even the gags which centred around "focus" and "poppat" (parrot) were really flat.  It was a terrible bore - in fact the TV sitcom Siya Ke Ram provides more excitement.

We endured the movie for 2 hours and staggered out.

My wife looked at me and said : "Why are you covering your face now? It was a boring movie with no naughty scenes or dialogues at all - so now we don't need to be ashamed at all for watching this movie" she said rubbing it in.

"I am covering my face so that I will not be recognised for being an idiot" I said.